Can we really be all things to all people?

If you could have a clone, what would he or she be doing right now? Mine would be home cleaning and ironing my clothes. I spend anywhere between 17 to 20 hours a day working. I wish I could say I was one of those “concentrate on finishing one project at a time” people. But, I am all over the place every minute of the day.


As women we often feel guilty about spending too much time at work and too little time at home. If men are feeling the same, they sure aren’t talking about it as much. In March, www.reuters.com covered the topic in an article titled, “Women feel guilty about work-home intrusion.” The study found that, although women have become economic providers in dual-income households they have different expectations from men over the boundaries separating work and family life. ‘These forces may lead some women to question or negatively evaluate their family role performance when they're trying to navigate work issues at home,’” Scott Schieman, a co-author of the report and a professor at the University of Toronto in Canada, said.

When I was a little girl I despised chores. I would roll my eyes in my skull when my mother would say that these were things I HAD to know how to do as a woman. I would say that my husband can do his share of the chores and then scurry along to do as I was told before I didn’t live to meet him. I became a little feminist in my elementary days.

I still have my fourth grade yearbook from Lincoln Elementary School in Springfield, Mass. In the little, “When I Grow Up” blurbs, all my female peers were gushing about being future wives and mothers and I said I wanted to be a rapper (I idolized MC Lyte.), married to a man named Ted (Still don’t know where that came from) – AND HERE IS THE KICKER – I actually wrote “I WILL HAVE NO KIDS.” Looking back, I think I was setting the tone for no one telling me what I COULD or SHOULD do.
I don’t like the idea of being pigeon-holed or labeled. We let others do this to us all the time – housewife, party girl, businesswoman. No one person is all or nothing. We have layers.

Men juggle as well. I can almost here them now, “We just don’t complain about it.” I know many who say they are leaving meetings early or canceling events because it’s their son’s soccer game or girlfriend’s birthday.

David Kurtz told Fortune Magazine he left his job as a director of production at the Walt Disney Co. in order to spend more time with his family. "I completely changed my work environment to suit being able to be home at 6 p.m.," says Kurtz. "It's an improvement for our generation. Men and women feel the same way in the workplace; they are struggling with the same issues."

In the article titled, “The changing face of the American working dad,” Kathryn Reynolds Lewis examines this increasing trend. “While in previous generations, it would have been silently assumed that men stake a larger portion of their identity to their careers than women, a recent study from WFD Consulting and WorldatWork's Alliance for Work-Life Progress found that there are little, if any, differences between men and women on this front, similar to results from Brazil, China, Germany and the United Kingdom,” Lewis found.

WHO ARE YOU?

Is your career tied to your identity? And if so, does prioritizing it ahead of anything else make you selfish? If you remember: last year I blogged about being at the Next Level Development Conference for Women. At the start of one of the workshops, I was instructed to introduce myself to someone, but I could not talk about my job or family. It was one of the most awkward and difficult introductions ever. Who was I, if not a mother and writer?

A LinkedIn discussion posed a similar question: “How much of your identity is wrapped in your profession/career selection? Have you selected a profession that speaks strongly to your core values and desires, is your profession merely a paycheck, or are you somewhere in between?”

One professional answered: “My identity, however, is father, husband, son, brother, cousin and friend.” Another, “I am what I do. Ain't never gonna retire. Plan on being the irascible old guy that is too good to be gotten rid of, since he has the only key to the coffee storage.”

My career is tied to my identity. I am a writer. I am always amazed when I meet people and they say if they weren’t doing what they were doing, they’d be doing this or that. I have NEVER thought of doing anything else. Anything else I ever did prior to writing full-time was precisely so I could eventually write full-time. Everything – God, love, laughter, beauty, ugliness, pain, joy, heartache, good and bad – stems from the same place inside of me, my soul. This is who I am completely stripped. It is from this same place I find motherhood, friendship and more. It is not about choosing one over the other. I need to be me first in order to be remotely decent at any of the others.



My Mommy



Maybe that is what life is about, fitting in a little of everything. My mother always had remarkable hustle. She was a nurse, my hairdresser, our housekeeper, pastor, travel agent and everything in between. Maybe we need to stop worrying about being all things to all people and invest more time in managing what we have to do.

If there is one thing I know, my future hubby will definitely know how to work a vacuum. And I can do what I do best and WRITE him a nice, “Things To Do Today, Ted” note.

Self-doubt is real for entrepreneurs

This week I am reminded of one of Aesop’s fables, “The Lion, Jupiter, and the Elephant.” Even against our greatest efforts, it is easy to fall into the temporary stoop of our doubting our abilities. Entrepreneurs often wear many hats. Today we can act as the accountant, tomorrow the sales team and the day after we are PR gurus and marketing specialists. We are continuously juggling a variety of roles so often that at times it can be exhausting. You’re working your damnedest to do everything right even though it feels as if you’re doing everything wrong. And then you look over, and for a second, you get a glimpse of another entrepreneur riding the wave of success so elegantly and seamlessly, it makes you tuck your surf board between your legs and scurry back home to see if the last slice of humble pie is still in the fridge.

This week I am on overload and coasting on little sleep. So much is going on full force at work and on the home front that on Tuesday I literally hurried to the bathroom to lose my lunch just as quickly as I had ate it. I share this not so pleasant detail with you to tell the truth about navigating your way through entrepreneurism. Telling the tales of fun and achievement would be meaningless if I didn’t share the insecurities that grip you as you work to make your vision a reality. That is why the tale of “The Lion, Jupiter, and the Elephant” resonated with me so much.

For those of you who don’t know the meaningful tale, here it is: “The Lion, for all his size and strength, and his sharp teeth and claws, is a coward in one thing: he can’t bear the sound of a cock crowing, and runs away whenever he hears it. He complained bitterly to Jupiter for making him like that; but Jupiter said it wasn’t his fault: he had done the best he could for him, and, considering this was his only failing, he ought to be well content. The Lion, however, wouldn’t be comforted, and was so ashamed of his timidity that he wished he might die. In this state of mind, he met the Elephant and had a talk with him. He noticed that the great beast cocked up his ears all the time, as if he were listening for something, and he asked him why he did so. Just then a gnat came humming by, and the Elephant said, “Do you see that wretched little buzzing insect? I’m terribly afraid of its getting into my ear: if it once gets in, I’m dead and done for.” The Lion’s spirits rose at once when he heard this: “For,” he said to himself, “if the Elephant, huge as he is, is afraid of a gnat, I needn’t be so much ashamed of being afraid of a cock, who is ten thousand times bigger than a gnat.”

The line of pessimism and optimism is an edge you walk as you build a business from the ground up. We all experience self-doubt at one point. The difference is understanding that it is just a fleeting moment. Believe in yourself.

Michael Jordan, commonly lauded as the greatest basketball player of all time, had this to say about fear, “Some people get frozen by the fear of failure. They get it from peers or from just thinking about the possibility of negative results. They might be afraid of looking bad or being embarrassed. I realized that if I was going to achieve anything in life I had to be aggressive. I had to get out there and go for it. I don't believe you can achieve anything by being passive.

Michael breaks down with emotion after winning his first trophy.

"I'm not thinking about anything except what I'm trying to accomplish. Any fear is an illusion," Jordan continued. "You think something is standing in your way but nothing is really there. What is there is an opportunity to do your best and gain some success. If it turns out my best isn't good enough, then at least I'll never be able to look back and say I was too afraid to try. Failure always made me try harder the next time.”

It’s far too easy to look at others and see their excellence and wonder just how they are getting along so nicely. The truth of the matter is no one will ever be as invested in your future as you. When you have so much on the line, it is natural for doubt to sneak its way into your system. What if I don’t sell as much as I estimated? What if this doesn’t pan out as I planned? He has a well-known business and I am just starting out. How can I possibly compete with that?

These questions are common to those deeply entrenched in fulfilling their dreams. What I have learned is that in life we all must face the impossible if we are determined to set the precedent on what can be.

So don’t let the doubt that creeps into your soul at times deter you from what is head. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Look at your temporary moments of unease as a pit stop on the way to the finish line.

Don't Be Afraid, Go Out On A Limb

Fear can be crippling. In order to see our businesses flourish, we have to take calculated risks. However, it is often easier said than done. Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending the 4th Annual Next Level Development Conference for Women of Color hosted at The Sheraton in Springfield, Mass.


The brainchild and vision of Kimberly Robinson Williams, the conference exists to promote the career and personal development of women and people of color across professions, industries and levels of experience. Audra Bohannon, Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion for Global Novations, presented one of the workshops titled, “Efficacy: Success Strategies for Career Success.” It was brilliantly put together and I was quite pleased to learn that I have been on the right track when it comes to my career.

Then we came to the portion of the program that asked us to write down things we have always wanted to accomplish but still have not. That was easy, too. But then she asked, “What can get in the way?” And that is where I got the first chink in my armour. The things I have accomplished and are known to be great at, well, they come naturally to me. Currently, there are only a few things that make me weak in the knees (Not actually true. If I were to list all of the animals, creepy crawlers and reptiles that turn my blood to ice you’d be reading a book not a column). Since I believe in the practice what you preach motto, I am going to so that I can be held accountable by you. Give me a microphone and place me in front of an audience and my throat will lock. I begin to sound like I inhaled a can of helium. It’s not that I am not prepared to speak or that I am not knowledgeable on the subject. I just begin to wonder what the thoughts are behind all of those roving eyeballs.

Oddly enough, I have spoken to classes, organizations and civic meetings – some have went better than others. However, my worst experience with public speaking took place when I was in Thailand participating in Group Study Exchange, a program sponsored by Rotary International. For six weeks I travelled the country with my other team mates, practically (in my mind) making a fool of myself at every club meeting. I’d be fine leading up to it. I’d even feel quite calm, but one second before I opened my mouth my palms would start sweating and a death grip would seize my vocal cords. My favourite joke on the subject comes from Jerry Seinfeld. He said, "The number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Number two. That means most people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

The Next Level Conference encouraged me to think about fear. Sometimes we’re willing to take a backseat to it rather than follow our hearts. While I believe most people will admit they have a fear of failure, I think it actually comes back to worrying how others view your failure. For example, I fail at things all the time. I’ve slipped on winter ice in my drive way before or put on my shirt backwards. Heck, one morning during my high school days I made it half a block before I realized I hadn’t combed my hair that morning. Did I care about many of these mishaps? No. Why? No one was around to witness them.

Going out on a limb in clear view is scary. We’re vulnerable and visible. The funny thing is that when we fear doing what we want to because of how we may be perceived, we not only miss out on a fantastic opportunity to grow, but we wind up with that feeling that I refuse become friends with, regret.

When I left the conference that afternoon, I left with one mission in mind: Over the next three months I am going accept all of the speaking engagements I had previously turned down. I am going to tiptoe to the edge of my comfort zone, open my arms and take a leap of faith – and I don’t care who is watching. Someone once told me that whatever people think of me is none of my business anyway.

The Importance of Credibility and Respect

Today I received this great email from Young and Successful Media, LLC. They provide great tips and learning opportunities for young professionals. These were so great, I had to post and share them. Feel free to leave a comment with your feedback.

How do you build the credibility and respect you’re looking for?


1. Start with where you are. We all start somewhere, and you can begin

this excursion from anywhere, at any point in your life. The earlier the

better of course. There are a myriad of ways to start changing the way

people perceive you, your experience, expertise and your potential for

the better. Commit yourself to making an effort to build a more solid

foundation and credibility and respect are sure to follow.

2. Assess your objectives. Think about what credibility and respect mean

to you. After all, it’s hard to expect others to treat you with respect if

you don’t first have respect for yourself and who you are. It should go

without saying, but be someone you can be proud of first and foremost.

Then define how you’d like to experience it in your life and career. What

would it look like, feel like, sound like? How would it manifest? Start to

build a plan around what you might need to do to achieve it.

3. Consider your audience. Who are the people you’re most concerned

with impressing or gaining the confidence and trust of? What constitutes

credibility and respect in their eyes? Expectations of us come from many

directions. Knowing what’s expected of you by different people and in

different situations helps us live up to the standards we accept as

worthwhile to pursue. Parents are the first people we try to impress.

They want us to be happy, responsible, accomplished, a source of pride.

Teachers want us to be smart, respectful, disciplined, accomplished.

Friends judge us by a whole different set of criteria, typically a lot more

related to our social standing and interactions, how trustworthy we are,

our advice, support and the way they feel around us. Employers and

clients demand reliability, loyalty, performance, results, and far more

depending on the nature of the relationships. The more specific your

objectives in gaining credibility and respect from others, the more

focused you can be on isolating what matters most to your primary

audience. In a lot of cases you can even just ask about other’s

expectations, hopes or dreams for you, and you’ll get many of your

answers from those simple conversations alone. You might even earn

more respect from the very act of showing you care enough to ask in the

first place.

4. Study the “experts”. Consider those who you admire and aspire to

emulate. Analyze how they achieved their own credibility. Do give some

consideration to what constitutes an expert in the first place. In fact,

everyone seems to be calling themselves an expert these days! Be very

careful in making these assessments since it’s getting harder and harder

to evaluate who really has the substance and integrity to deserve our

reverence and attention - especially when we’re paying or relying on

guidance to make important decisions. Experts are most often people

who:

• Own companies

• Start or run non-profits

• Align themselves with reputable organizations

• Hold high level positions and interesting job titles

• Are recognized by others

• Are the recipients of awards and accolades

• Sit on boards

• Write books, articles and blogs

• Maintain a following

• Establish ties to notable schools

• Stay very connected

• Conduct research, predict trends

• Do unusual things

• Get paid for that they know or can offer

• And make an impact on many others.

Research the people who inspire you, lead your company or industry, and

have achieved things you have only dreamed of. Get to know them up

close and personally whenever you can. Follow their careers and learn all

that you can about their path so that you might discover useful tips you

can leverage along yours.

5. Build your platform. Once you are clear on your objectives, build your

own identity by emulating the experts. Put significant energy behind

establishing your own expertise (through several of the activities bulleted

above) to build your own substance and credibility. Methodically craft

your own plan to start hitting bigger and bigger milestones of your own,

all driving towards the direction you’d most like to head or the ultimate

goals you’d most like to reach. Create a name for yourself. Be the best

at something. Learn what others only hope to know or understand.

Dedicate yourself to accomplishing something big and bold, then work

towards making it happen. Get involved in your community or industry

and achieve great things on their behalf. Find out where the action is and

get yourself into the middle of it. Make waves. Make a statement. Add

value. As others learn of you and your work, your reputation will grow

and take on a life of its own. Eventually you may even become a peer of

those who you’ve admired most.

6. Brand yourself. Branding is something we all need to be concerned

about today, especially with how fast the world of technology,

communications and even the media is changing. Stay on top of the

trends in these areas and leverage the latest and most dominant

platforms to communicate to the world who you are. Whether you’re an

entrepreneur, artist, teacher, doctor, politician, electrician or athlete, take

a look around you, at your competition and see how you measure up.

People - clients, prospects, executives, even neighbors - all need to know

about you to want to interact and do business with you. Regardless of

how good you may be, how well you package and promote yourself

matters, and it can make a world of difference to your success.
7. Refine your pitches. We’re all in sales, whether we realize it or not.

Everyday we sell ourselves and our credibility in one form or another.

When we introduce ourselves, talk about what we do, ask for help, solicit

support, socialize, network, engage with groups, work on teams, perform

for a boss or client or prospect, we’re pitching ourselves. As you look for

opportunities for work and to build your career, tools like your quick

verbal pitch (who you are and your story), your resume, bio, and even

online profiles all act as your front line in communicating who you are

and why people should care. Assess the collection of tools you have at

your fingertips and consider their messaging and positioning of you. Are

they as strong and focused as they can be? Are they compelling? Ask

trusted friends or colleagues for feedback. Get to work on refining them

all, and make keeping them all current a priority. Remember, these

communicate who you are…even when you’re not there.

8. Expose yourself. As you start to gain momentum in your career,

amassing experience, expertise and substance, and as you get more

sophisticated with your branding, positioning, and pitching, it’s time to

take your show on the road. Get out more. Meet new people. Engage in

new organizations, events, conferences and clubs. Your best publicist

should be you. Start talking about what you do everywhere you go…

tactfully. Just be careful not to cross the fuzzy line between confidence

and arrogance. Don’t be obnoxious or obtrusive, however desperately

you want to be accepted and regardless of how accomplished you may

become. Build relationships that are win-win, where everyone feels

valued and respected. Strive to earn credibility and respect by your

actions rather than straight out trying to convince others why you’re a big

deal. That can backfire fast and furiously. Instead, talk about what’s

important to you, your work, and the future of your business. Use your

spotlight to include and help others when you can.

9. Attract the right mentors and advisors. Collect role models, both

people you know and those you only can dream of meeting. When you

meet spectacular people learn all you can from them. Ask them for

advice. Build relationships based on mutual value. Often times older,

more successful people will spend time with you, or more formally

mentor you for the mere opportunity to be exposed to the exciting things

you’re doing, the people you surround yourself with, the feats you

accomplish, or the pace your life moves at. Some may even joke about

living vicariously through you so they can once again experience the rush

of ambition and action, without having to expend the energy or time

themselves. And most people simply like to add value and have their

own opinions and experience valued by others. Repay your mentors and

advisors with your respect and recognition. When they introduce you to

important people in their lives, be referable – worthy of their referral.

Make them proud to share their relationships and resources with you.

10.Sculpt a more perfect environment. In some cases and with some

people, nothing you do will be good enough. Learn to identify these

negative influences and start to weed them out of your life, or at very

least, minimize your exposure. Take an active role in managing the

environment you chose to live and work, even socialize in. Respect and

credibility should be earned, but not at the expense of your own self

respect or worse, compromising your personal values or what’s most

important to you. Be true to yourself. Surround yourself with people who

appreciate, support you, and encourage you in your pursuit of greater

and greater successes. As we like to say at YSN.com, “ambition is the

price of admission”, just make certain you’re putting your energy behind

the right efforts, at the right time, and for the right people.

What’s the best way to sell ourselves and our potential? Build the credibility and

earn the respect you’ve always wanted, starting today.

One final note: Because, as you can see, my definitions of success have a lot to

do with holding yourself to higher standards and being an all around good

person, I have to close with this. Show respect to everyone you meet,

regardless of who they are or where they come from. Strive to become not only

a respected, but a respectful person yourself. As for credibility, along the road

to increasing yours, take every opportunity to help others achieve their own

successes. By all means, raise the standards you hold for yourself and others,

but remember that we all struggle and hurt because of how hard, and often

unfair, others can be to us. Constructive feedback offered with a healthy dose

of respect can be life changing. Harsh criticism and attacks (even well founded)

on others and their credibility, can be cruel and destructive, particularly to

ambitious souls who, if nurtured, could be magnificent. Chose to be one of the

special ones in this world. You’re sure to get so much more than you give.
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